Dear Perfectionism,
You suck!
Looking at me, you might not believe it, but I am quite the perfectionist.
I remember having a spelling test when I was in 6th grade. I had not missed a word all year, but then I missed one. Afterwards I begged the teacher to let me skip recess, stay inside, and write the word. Over and over and over again....
In school, if I received anything less than 100%, I had failed.
Socially, I was paralyzed. Because I was not a skinny little teenager, I felt extremely unworthy of friendship. My mind told me I was not worth it because I had failed to look like the pretty people.
As I got older, I found ways to combat these feelings. I found a place to be happy with myself. I learned to be happy with trying new things and congratulating myself for trying even if I had not succeeded. I could see the value of experiencing new things, even if I did not always "win".
And then came Sunday.
I signed up for a 5K. My goal was to run it without walking at all. I ran it in less time than I had ever run it before, but I had to walk two times during the race. Because I didn't run the entire thing without walking, I felt like I had failed. At the end of the race, tears were streaming down my face, and they were not tears of relief or joy like they should have been. They were tears of frustration, shame, and anger.
The perfectionist in me screamed that I had failed. I didn't do it. I was not strong enough.
Forget about the fact that having this goal got me to the gym 3-4 times per week since January.
Forget about the fact that I only walked twice: once because I started running with a friend whose pace was too fast for me and once in the middle of a huge hill. I had not trained on hills.
I should have been happy, but I wasn't.
It was only after I reunited with my family at the finish line that I started to feel better. My husband said he was proud of me. He didn't care that I had walked a little bit. He was proud that I did it. He knows how far I have come since January. My kids jumped up and down for me. My daughter loves to run and wants to run a 5K with me. How cool would that be?
So, Perfectionism, I reiterate, you suck!
Sincerely,
MomOf3
Written for NaBloPoMo's Write A Letter A Day Challenge.
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3 comments:
oh sweetie, STOP. you should and need to be soooo proud of yourself. do you know how many people can not even say they did what you did ? yet they wish to god they could. everyone walks in a race, it is part of the race, sometimes for a water, or tie a shoe, or catch your breath !!! it is part of racing....
i ORDER you to be happy and proud and brag. think of the role model you are being for your kids, to train for something and to finish it, and to be proud.
Way to tell it how ya feel girl! Why do we do that to ourselves?! If we in the blogging world are proud of you and have never seen you, met you, talked to you and already love ya...then hey!
Thanks for sharing your honesty on here...it makes a dysfunctional perfectionst like myself sigh and understand and wanna tell mine off too!
I completely understand the feeling. Perfectionism is born of FEAR. I've felt it, too.
Completing a 5K race is an incredible accomplishment, you have a lot to be proud of. And you can run the next one faster-- you are your own greatest competition. Heck, sign up for a 10K in 10 weeks, train for it and DO IT!
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